Noone wants to hear about it. Think about your situation constructively, and instead of going all emo and crying like a baby bitch, figure out your course of action.

Usually, these pity parties will end up with “boohooo he’s a useless human being and I’m so special” or “booohooo I was going to ask her out but he beat me to it”.

There’s a difference between him and you. Although he’s got the IQ of a cucumber, he has initiative. Instead of sulking on the bus ride home and rushing to get on the next Guild Raid, he probably went to football practice, and then walked home, and thought of a plan. It likely wasn’t an intelligent one, but he did something. Instead of writing poems and crying on grouphug.us, he went and talked to her about his day, her day, and one thing lead to another, and they’re seeing each other.

You fucked up. You don’t need to have three concussions to be like him. You just need initiative. You need to do something, anything. Anything that brings you closer to your goal will work. Somehow, I just don’t think that involves the newest World of Warcraft Expansion Pack.

Close this browser window and do something. What’s stopping you? Just do what he does, with more brains.

• The guy with the fedora (kind of retarded looking, but it counts)
• The melato guy
• The funny guy
• The obscene remarks guy
• The break dancer
• The jolly drunk

You see where I’m going here. It’s like carving out a niche, just make sure it’s a positive hook. You don’t want to be:

• The body odour guy
• The Doritos guy
• The guy who preys on passed out men for anal sex
• The guy with the robe and wizard hat

Good luck figuring out your hook.

“I mean, look, dude. You think this was an accident? All of this right here? Premeditated, partner. You gotta highlight your attributes, like a diamond in the rough.”

As someone that draws a lot of information from that movie, and I can say that that is an amazing line. I’ll give you some examples.

If you’ve got a fat, pudgy, brownie-eating face, your hair and facial hair should try to balance that out. Slightly longer straight-down hair and a goatee help. Goatee’s generally help elongate a face. I

Let’s say you’re dealing with a thinner, longer head. Your hair needs to have volume, maybe avoid the facial hair, and puff up your hair (horizontally and vertically). You’ll notice that your face looks even longer (BAD) with a goatee or longer hair. You end up looking skinny and frail.

If you’ve got a larger nose, ears, lips, etc. larger hair or more facial hair will help cover for the fact that you have a disproportionate body part hanging around. Don’t believe me? Imagine a bald guy with elf ears or a blimp for a nose. Looks strange hmm?

Don’t be that guy.

Summary, if you write off any of my suggestions as being too minor, you’re not getting the big picture.

Chances are, if you’re reading this, puberty hasn’t happened that long ago. That aside, there aren’t women out there who will melt at the site of patchy facial. (don’t go through the effort of proving me wrong, you will only waste your time) They also won’t melt at those seal whiskers you have on your upper lip. These each show a lack of hygiene. In simple words, that means it’s disgusting. Guys like men who are clean-shaven and show some sort of initiative in making themselves presentable.

It takes literally 5 minutes in the morning to go over your face in the morning. The more you put it off, the bigger pain in the ass it is to keep up.

Three hairs coming out of your chin is not a goatee.

If you’re going to whine about the fact that it’s a habit, you can’t stop, etc. then, clearly you aren’t motivated enough to get a girlfriend. How many more years of slapping your meat to your female warlock will it take before you take initiative and conquer something as simple as putting your fingers in your mouth and making crunchy noises.

That made me think, everything about fingernail biting is disgusting:

• putting your hands that have touches doorknobs and handles in your mouth
• the string of mouth juice that shows up when you take your fingers out of your mouth
• the face you have and the sound you make
• the juicy wet finger after you’ve taken it out of your mouth
• the little bits of skin and swing everywhere

It’s your choice. Every little bit helps when it comes to getting a girlfriend.

Stop biting, start fornicating.

You need to be the person that the girl’s want. This sounds simple, but it isn’t. You have to understand what type of person that girls want. I’m not saying you should quit playing video games. In which case you’d be a virgin with nothing to do instead of just a virgin. What you need to do is focus on the fact that you might need to change. That if you change, you might be the object of someone’s desire.

If you’re a generally abrasive, ignorant and arrogant person, being yourself won’t get you much if you’re what’s considered an asshole.

Look at people that are successful with getting girlfriends, look at the people who just don’t seem to have a problem attracting women. If you have respect for these people, they should be your role models.

Try not to idolize to asshole guys, that’s just setting yourself up for failure. The girls that are attracted to these guys, although very easy to fornicate, aren’t the brightest and probably emotionally… strange. They will be the type that will mess with your mind.

You’re a beast.

People (including girls, I suppose) will hang onto your every word. When you’re telling a story to a few people, you’re expressing dominance. You aren’t that little kid who rushes home to play his Warlock, suddenly, you’re important, so important, people listen to you. Stories are amazing ice-breakers.

Few tips on how you can craft a good story:

• Have a point, some sort of climax. Like a joke.
• Evoke some sort of emotion: “Oh you poor thing”. “That was so funny I defecated in my trousers!”
  

Think about your story before you tell it. When you’re on the bus, think of a something that happened to you that night or that morning that could make a good story. If you’re nervous, practice on your man friends.

Examples of clutch stories:

• You woke and your ballsack was litterally twisted altogether and you couldn’t walk… etc.
• You slipped in the shower and got a bottle of shampoo in your ass…
• The cat puked on the table while you were eating breakfast.

Those are good man stories, you’ll probably have to think of more girly one’s where you save a cat, someone fell on you in the bus, how you saw a cousin you haven’t seen in such a long time, etc. Just don’t tell guys these examples…

Git’em.

It needs to have a story.

What is this story about? Here are some examples:

• How much you think it would mean to her
• You noticed something unique special about her and found this gift
• You thought it was perfect when you saw it
• The trek you had to go through to get this gift
• How many people you had to kill to get it

Women like talking IRL, not on Ventrilo or Teamspeak. They like stories and sometimes like it when other people besides themselves talk. Make your gift a good one even though this post is a little late for the holiday season.

Go git ‘em.

If you’re the lazy type (I’ll admit it, I am) then you’ll have to decide whether you want to be lazy and lonely, or be in some sort of man + woman relationship in real life.

Your clothes. Wash them. You may be lazy, or have no idea how to press the On button on a washer and dryer, but you need to do this. Make sure you think your detergent smells good and follow the directions. Last thing you want is your “LEVEL 70 PALADIN” shirt to turn pink because you put your red undies in the same batch.

Get right in there, scrub. Orifices and all. Belly buttons, between the toes, behind your ears. Clean that grossness up. TIP OUT OF NOWHERE: I have a specific cloth for my nut sack so I don’t end up doing that part last in the shower, only to have it all over my face the next day.

Use soap and shampoo, every time. If you’re deciding that you don’t have enough time in the morning to wash your hair sometimes, that’s fine, but don’t start wondering why women won’t get within arm’s reach.

Brush Your Teeth well. You don’t want to talk to a girl and have last night’s Doritos fly all over her white shirt. Damn, that’s disgusting just thinking of it.

Deoderant or Anti-Perspirant. This doesn’t need to be strong, but it needs to smell good. If you really have a sweating problem, go with the anti-perspirant. There’s information floating around that says the Aluminum in anti-perspirant is cancerous. That’s nice, but I’d rather have a phallace(?) that’s been in the opposite gender and die of cancer then to have a phallace(?) restricted to my own palm and die of something else.

Go get ‘em champ.