Getting a Girlfriend

***This article is sarcastic***

• If you’re sitting behind her in class, be sure to stare at her. I recommended sitting at an angle that betters your odds at seeing a side boob. Eventually, if she sees your starting at her, she will take initiative, and take you out to dinner.
• Add her on msn and greet her every time she comes online, if she takes more then 10 seconds to respond, follow up with “Hello?” or “Are you there?”. Do this every 10 seconds to show her that you care. Some strategies include substituting “Hello?” with “Helloooooooo?”.
• If the girl of your dreams just doesn’t seem to notice you, there’s a simple solution. When you get home, you should go to your bedroom, lock the door and cry into your pillow. At this point, you can exclaim that “life isn’t fair” and “why does this always happen to me?”. Girls love sensitive guys.
• Girls never notice when a males eyes drift downwards into their breast area in conversation. This has been researched and it’s been determined that females possess this blind spot. Little known fact: breasts serve no purpose other then to seduce the opposite sex.
• When a girl “only thinks of you as a friend”, what she means is she’s totally into your shit. Girls are tricky like that. What you need to do is follow-up and ask her out again the next day until she says yes.
• Repeating awkward sexual innuendos will make a girl melt. If she looks disgusted after a carefully planned “that’s what she said” delivery, it’s an act. She loves it, and wants you to do it again and again.
• When talking about girls or girlfriends with your entourage, refer to them as “bitches” or “hoes”. In the event that a woman overhears the conversation, she will interpret your vocabulary as a sign of male dominance.
• If there is something you want to tell to a girl, don’t actually say it to her. Girls are mind-readers. It may take a few months, but they will figure out what you’re up to.
• Sex is nothing but a two step process. Step 1: Penis goes in. Step 2: Penis goes out. Repeat these until it is no longer necessary. If you include some sort of Step 3, Prologue or Epilogue, you’re making things too complicated and likely satifying the girl.
• Guys who have sex with a lot of women always have the best advice that apply to everyone. They’ve established themselves as alpha-males, and it’s up to you to absorb whatever information they can offer you so that you can benefit.

This article was heavily inspired by Minda’s guide to men and other assorted pointers.